You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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