My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I had to cum in my sink.
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