Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Help. Why am I so naked?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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