She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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