I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
