Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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