there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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