where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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