i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
