okay pat passed out under dana's car
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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