Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
