do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
