at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize