omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
