Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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