the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize