if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
