Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
