Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
