I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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