I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
