Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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