DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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