Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Randomize
