Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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