considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
