When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
