Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
