I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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