i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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