I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Couch. On fire.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
