I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The beers last night were like the tears from god
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
