i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
