Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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