Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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