this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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