Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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