i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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