8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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