someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
