I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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