rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
