I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want you more than these girls want KFC
birth control should be required to get into college
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
