you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
