Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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