come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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