He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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