Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
