Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
