We won't sleep together?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize