im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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