this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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