she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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