Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
