my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He shit in the fireplace
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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